Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
