Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize