You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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