ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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