: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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