Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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