We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
