Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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