I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
