I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
