At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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