Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
