3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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