i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
