Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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