this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize