had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
