shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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