If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
