you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
