I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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