I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
