my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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