Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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