Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
