Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm both gender and math confused
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