I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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