Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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