if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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