I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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