put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
