I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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