apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
