at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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