I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
