I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
