is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize