Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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