I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
