She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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