I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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