glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
