Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
