I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
