I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
