I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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