Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
