shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
