Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
