I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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