she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
