Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
