If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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