high people should be assigned attendants
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
