when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
