Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
