Is it normal to miss your booty call?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
