I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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