Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
