Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
