i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize