you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
